Wow.. it’s been awhile

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Wow. It has been a lot longer than I thought since I posted anything.

Nearly a year. What a year it has been.

I am still active on Twitter, but there has been a lot going on that has just made sitting down to write about things seem daunting.

So rather than struggle through it. I just let it go, eventually it got easier and easier until I didn’t think about what I wanted to say. Until today. When I finally realized that I wanted to say something.

In the last year – and the year before that I have spent a LOT of time in the hospital and in the ER trying to find out what was wrong with me.

We don’t have a lot of answers even now. What we do know, is that it doesn’t appear to be anything that can be fixed or properly identified. But on the positive side of things, it also doesn’t appear to mean I am dying either. (That was actually a fear, for quite awhile. When  you are a single parent to a very young child I can not tell you how terrifying that is!)

But things are, better – not drastically, but enough that I can notice a difference. There are also issues that I had, that have now been treated and cleared up. Thankful experimentation! Because sometimes odd things work and no one knows why but they do.

Chronic pain and exhaustion can add up. I have been told by medical professionals that it’s to be expected.  Due to my medical history, I am unfortunately higher risk for these things (as well as others) so while I am trying to slow down, and embrace the whole idea spoon theory.  It is SO damn hard, when you are used to doing all the things.
Added to that I have a very young child and she keeps me on my toes.

Physical health things aside I have also been working through issues of my own. I struggle with chronic depression. It is mild but it’s enough to give me absolutely no drive or focus. And those days, I honestly don’t feel like doing much of anything. But I force myself to try to at least do what I must around the house. Some days, that’s enough to kick start me and I do okay.

Other days, the blah’s wrap me up like a cocoon and I don’t do more than get dressed and read all day until I have to run to get my daughter from the school bus.

Winter is worse than  not because snow, and being snowed in. Being snowed in with a 5 year old that hates snow but has a ton of energy to burn off (and is a natural extrovert to your introvert) is HARD.

Added to the fun stress of dealing with my fight to get Persephone to school because our school board is a bunch of fucking assholes it’s just been a lot.  (Positive side, the ministry of education finally stepped in and ordered an internal review of the board. End results 33 pages of reporting and recommendations for the board and the director has been fired. Apparently, all the meeting with the families of this board worked and we have been heard!)

My goal for awhile now has been moving. I have an end goal of July but the vacancy rate is doing nothing to help that. The government has supposedly said they are going to try to get a grip on the market and also the lack of supply while helping get a strengthen rent control but I will believe that when I see it.

Moving for us, is a must we both seem to be allergic to this house and the housemate is doing a whole lot of nothing to get her renovations done. She never will at this rate. There is just the inability to care and too much laziness in her to get it done and I don’t care to deal with anymore house issues.

But I need the market to improve because right now there is literally nothing opening up.
When you are trying to move to also get your child in a better school situation so she is not missing two months out of every year it is stressful.

I have also been on a spiritual journey this year trying to figure out what that means. Kiddo apparently joined me on that trip at some point.
Talking about Prayers and then suddenly showing me one day that she prays and how to her talking aloud to the universe with linked hands in prayer meant god and hope.
So that gave me the push I needed to start reading more and trying to figure out what our spiritual life looks like. I still don’t know exactly what it means but we are exploring.

I have been in contact with people of faith that had interesting sounding programs that may fit our lives. To see. We are going to try a few weeks of church and see how that goes. But that I feel could go either way.

I have also started a non family oriented blog/twitter to put other things out there that are a different side to me.
A side that is purely me. Not tied to anything here. It has been active for a bit now and chances are if I talk to you regularly through email and twitter I follow you with that account as well.

Most of that account is spiritual so it may not be for everyone. Part of why I haven’t mentioned it to nearly anyone. Though I may give links to select few who ask.

I may slowly get in to blogging again. As I have more to say.
I am still reading. Which if you follow me on Twitter or IG you know.

What are you reading?  What’s blown you away lately?

Happy Reading!


Where Am I in Blogging? (Update)

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I have written this post in my head so many times, in the last few weeks, few months. It just never gets easier.
I want, to write this from a calm not full of anxiety place. But honestly, I go back and forth from this places so often now it is hard to know the difference at times.

I have not blogged in so long it is hard to remember.

I am not sure when I will be blogging. I know I will in the future be blogging. I love books to much to not blog but there are things right now that are making a lot of things in my life – very uncertain.

I want to blog. I am reading. Lord knows, nothing can stop me from doing that. But I have to consider a lot more now, when it comes to blogging and books that I want to review.

I have been sick now, for some time.  Serious sick. Not got a cold and no motivation to blog sick. But sick.
With no answers to what is going on – except that it’s scary, and not good and so far, we are getting no where in all the tests we have run.

My anxiety has been through the roof which is making everything that much harder.
I am losing weight – and given my already small frame this is making me incredibly self conscious. Plus, it is not like I have a lot to lose. I was only 100 pounds to begin with, I am exhausted, I am in pain. My hair is falling out, I have had other – issues, very put you off of your stomach things that I won’t get in to here. I have also learned that there is a cyst on my kidney. It is all adding up. We have run so many tests that I could just scream.

We thought initially, that it was going to be Lupus, but that came back a negative, it was also not my thyroid. So far everything has been no. Which while good is also frustrating because my doctor is running out of things to try.

I have been referred to internal medicine so they can try to figure out what is going on.
Someone needs to come up with something because I have seen my doctors office almost as much as I have the ER and it is getting really damn old.

Especially when you consider I also have a young child to take care of.

She is why my anxiety, is as bad as it is.

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of it being something really bad and not getting to see her grow up.
I have to constantly get my head away from that fear, because I just can’t give it even one second thought because it is bone chilling.

If my mind gets to quiet I find thoughts slipping in, How can I leave her memories of me so she won’t forget, won’t forget how loved she is? How much she is everything to me?

On top of everything that is going on with all of that. I am also involved in a clinical study to see if we can deal with some skin issues I have been dealing with for two years. That is going better than I first expected. So I am hopeful, that if things keep going and I can stay in the study for the 12 weeks, that should be better and I will finally have one less thing making me crazy.

Instead of blogging I have been living as best I can. A difficult thing when your body seems to be fighting one thing after another. But I am also trying to be grateful for every day. Telling myself, that worrying before I have any answers does nothing but ruin right now.

Obviously, some days are better than others.

Some days,  I feel okay and am able to be pretty productive, other days, like the last two, have been hard and I don’t do a lot more than try to give my body the time it needs to rest.

So while I do want to blog, it means I have to have the energy and the ability to sit up to see the screen.
You can absolutely ask me to consider your book, but the people most likely to actually receive a yes, are people I have already worked with in the past.

(You’re best bet for a quick response, would be to also tweet me and let me know, you have a request because mail is not checked as often as it was)

Blogging that I do, now is deadline free because I don’t know from day to day, how I am going to feel – what doctor I will have to be visiting or if it is going to be another trip to the ER.

My hope – is that in the coming weeks, something will finally get this to come to light and give us some answers and I will be on the path to recovery and being healthy again or that it will pass and be a weird time in my life that comes with no answers but no long term effects.  Whatever gets me back to a path of happiness and a long healthy life with my little girl.

My other hope is that I will find a way to bounce back a bit and be able to do more writing that sees more than just my journal or the email of my kindred spirit.
There are a few project ideas floating around that I have been working slowly on and others that I am considering and writing notes on. Until I am more able to move forward with them in some way.
I will take all the positive vibes and prayers that you are willing to put forth in the universe.