I have written this post in my head so many times, in the last few weeks, few months. It just never gets easier.
I want, to write this from a calm not full of anxiety place. But honestly, I go back and forth from this places so often now it is hard to know the difference at times.
I have not blogged in so long it is hard to remember.
I am not sure when I will be blogging. I know I will in the future be blogging. I love books to much to not blog but there are things right now that are making a lot of things in my life – very uncertain.
I want to blog. I am reading. Lord knows, nothing can stop me from doing that. But I have to consider a lot more now, when it comes to blogging and books that I want to review.
I have been sick now, for some time. Serious sick. Not got a cold and no motivation to blog sick. But sick.
With no answers to what is going on – except that it’s scary, and not good and so far, we are getting no where in all the tests we have run.
My anxiety has been through the roof which is making everything that much harder.
I am losing weight – and given my already small frame this is making me incredibly self conscious. Plus, it is not like I have a lot to lose. I was only 100 pounds to begin with, I am exhausted, I am in pain. My hair is falling out, I have had other – issues, very put you off of your stomach things that I won’t get in to here. I have also learned that there is a cyst on my kidney. It is all adding up. We have run so many tests that I could just scream.
We thought initially, that it was going to be Lupus, but that came back a negative, it was also not my thyroid. So far everything has been no. Which while good is also frustrating because my doctor is running out of things to try.
I have been referred to internal medicine so they can try to figure out what is going on.
Someone needs to come up with something because I have seen my doctors office almost as much as I have the ER and it is getting really damn old.
Especially when you consider I also have a young child to take care of.
She is why my anxiety, is as bad as it is.
I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of it being something really bad and not getting to see her grow up.
I have to constantly get my head away from that fear, because I just can’t give it even one second thought because it is bone chilling.
If my mind gets to quiet I find thoughts slipping in, How can I leave her memories of me so she won’t forget, won’t forget how loved she is? How much she is everything to me?
On top of everything that is going on with all of that. I am also involved in a clinical study to see if we can deal with some skin issues I have been dealing with for two years. That is going better than I first expected. So I am hopeful, that if things keep going and I can stay in the study for the 12 weeks, that should be better and I will finally have one less thing making me crazy.
Instead of blogging I have been living as best I can. A difficult thing when your body seems to be fighting one thing after another. But I am also trying to be grateful for every day. Telling myself, that worrying before I have any answers does nothing but ruin right now.
Obviously, some days are better than others.
Some days, I feel okay and am able to be pretty productive, other days, like the last two, have been hard and I don’t do a lot more than try to give my body the time it needs to rest.
So while I do want to blog, it means I have to have the energy and the ability to sit up to see the screen.
You can absolutely ask me to consider your book, but the people most likely to actually receive a yes, are people I have already worked with in the past.
(You’re best bet for a quick response, would be to also tweet me and let me know, you have a request because mail is not checked as often as it was)
Blogging that I do, now is deadline free because I don’t know from day to day, how I am going to feel – what doctor I will have to be visiting or if it is going to be another trip to the ER.
My hope – is that in the coming weeks, something will finally get this to come to light and give us some answers and I will be on the path to recovery and being healthy again or that it will pass and be a weird time in my life that comes with no answers but no long term effects. Whatever gets me back to a path of happiness and a long healthy life with my little girl.
My other hope is that I will find a way to bounce back a bit and be able to do more writing that sees more than just my journal or the email of my kindred spirit.
There are a few project ideas floating around that I have been working slowly on and others that I am considering and writing notes on. Until I am more able to move forward with them in some way.
I will take all the positive vibes and prayers that you are willing to put forth in the universe.